Team Work

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I've heard that anesthesia can cause post-surgery blues. Evidently it's a problem when you cry for 3 days straight. I couldn't figure out what was going on.  But, as luck would have it, Doc Esther  wanted to see me and asked why I was feeling so sad.

• I was having some pain after the second surgery
• I was grieving with students over the loss of 2 babies
• I was not sleeping 
• Not eating
• Not moving
• Not meditating

She wondered if I was going to hurt myself.

"Hell No! That's the problem. I want to live!" I told her I was worried about the re-excision and hoped it worked this time. I wasn't going to find out until next week, they said it takes a week to 10 days for pathology results.  But Doc went to her computer and low and behold she found my report. She was silent for a few seconds, then declared, "The margins are negative. Everything is clear!" HAPPY DANCE! Doc said she was going to print the report and tie a red ribbon around it for me! 

She told me I need some down time for a few days. And not to go to any more funerals for awhile. She is getting things set up for radiation to start in a couple weeks. She gave me two big hugs and said she was sorry I had to go through all of this.

My surgeon called this evening as I was writing this post. She asked how I was doing. I told her about the blues and that I saw Doc Esther. I told her I heard about the clear margins and we both squealed with delight.  We talked about the pain and that I should slow down on exercising that arm for a couple days. 

I mentioned how disappointed I was that I was put to sleep way too early for this surgery. She said that one of the drugs they use to put patients to sleep causes amnesia. "So, you don't remember me standing beside you, holding your hand and talking before we put you to sleep?  I remember you said someone was sending Reiki love to you and the room." We both laughed and I told her how sweet that was of her.   She is an extraordinarily kind person. I am so blessed to have this team taking care of me.

Note to self: Give her a Can of Love at our appointment next week.
Hugs,
Christie

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Ranting and Raving

I have been upset all day.

It started at the hospital yesterday with my second surgery in eleven days. After I changed into the gown, I put my clothes, shoes and head scarf in a plastic bag. An aid stopped by to take it to a locker. My head felt naked so I asked him if I could have a blue cap and he said, "Yes sir. I'll get that for you right away."

Sir? SIR! Are you kidding me? Without hair, makeup, or eyebrows, I look like a man? I am losing myself through all of this crap. I knew this would happen.

Then I had a discussion with the anesthesiologist about two important issues. Number one: I did not want to throw up this time. Number two: I wanted to see and feel the love sent to the surgical room last time but someone knocked me out before my head hit the pillow. He said he would give me a warning before putting me to sleep this time.
Well, this girl shooed Richard away and said it was time to go. She put a syringe of "Pepcid and something to relax" me in the IV. I don't remember anything after we turned the corner in the hallway. Damn it. They knocked me out even sooner this time. I thought I made myself clear.

Surgery was at noon and I was heading home by 3:00. I took a long nap, had a light dinner and felt very little pain. The worst part was the ace bandage wrapped around my chest so tight I could hardly breathe. But when I went to bed I couldn't go to sleep. I finally went downstairs at 4:00 am., then back to bed and fell asleep at 5:30. The hospital called this morning to check on me but Richard told them I was asleep. I didn't even get to tell them how upset I was.

I am tired of not being in control and people doing all of these things to my body. I don't even know if it's working. I hate looking like this. I hate being sick. I hate feeling afraid. And most of all I hate breast cancer!

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Do-Over

My broken boob has been on the mend for 10 days now. Most of the pain is under my arm however I think all that will change tomorrow when I go back in for more surgery. When you reopen an excision it causes a bit more pain according to my surgeon.
The pathology report showed that the margins were not clear in the upper portion of the tumor so my surgeon will go back in to remove more stuffing. She said the other option would be a mastectomy but she recommended we try this first. I am confident in her ability to get the rest of it tomorrow. She said most breast centers go back for re-excision 50% of the time. At this hospital they go back 20% - 25% of the time so I know they have a better record for getting clear margins. Needing a re-excision doesn't change the survival rate either.
Doc Esther said I seemed to be taking the news well. I didn't think it was a big deal but she wanted to throw a brick through the monitor. I know she was disappointed that the chemotherapy didn't shrink the tumor very much. I guess I should be upset too and can't figure out why I'm not a raving lunatic at this point. Maybe I've been meditating too much. Maybe it's from the hundreds of people praying for me that brings me such peace. I have never felt as loved as I do now.

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Goldilocks and the Three Bras

Once upon a time there was a girl who lived on a beautiful culdesac with a small forest in her backyard.  She had breast cancer and lost her brown hair during chemotherapy. The following Spring her hair started growing back but was blond and curly, so her family called her Goldilocks.
One day she went to the hospital to remove the wicked cancer of the breast. When she awoke she was given a surgical bra to support her broken boob. She was instructed to wear it 23.75 hours per day. It was very scratchy and the front Velcro closure poked her delicate skin.
The next day Goldilocks remove the surgical bra to check out her new body. She noticed the scratches on her skin from the Velcro so she decided to wear a new bra she'd bought for this special occasion.  She immediately felt better and thought it was a good choice. But as the day wore on, the bra wore on her. By morning she just had to take it off.  There was no way she could wear it for 23.75 hours a day. Hmmm. That must be why it was called an 18 Hour Bra.
Goldilocks missed her old Genie Bra but thought it might not be supportive enough for her broken boob. She decided to try it anyway. The Genie Bra magically conformed to her body, just like before. It wasn't too scratchy, it wasn't too tight, it was just right. Read reviews from other breast surgery customers.
Today Goldilocks didn't take any pain medication because she wanted to see if her broken boob would really hurt. It's kind of numb because several nerves were cut under her arm so she did pretty well.
Tomorrow she will visit the surgeon and Thursday she will visit the oncologist to plan the next step.
Eventually, Goldilocks will live happily ever after.

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Divine Appointments

There was so much to do to prepare for tomorrow's surgery but I'm ready to Kiss Cancer Good-Bye!

I don't know why I always look forward to seeing Doc. There must be something wrong with me, haha! On Monday I had my 10 day follow-up. All of my numbers looked good. My scarf slipped off when I removed my shirt. Doc exclaimed, "Your hair is coming back!", as she ran her hand over the downy tufts of new hair.
She explained why it's important to have the lumpectomy instead of mastectomy. I need radiation, which will damage the skin, making breast reconstruction impossible. She said she knew it would be a difficult week because the success of chemotherapy will be determined with the MRI on Tuesday and surgery on Thursday. I will see Doc a week after surgery to discuss the pathology report and make sure we're on track..

Then I went to the Mindfulness class. For you teachers out there; you know how good it feels when you have a great lesson plan and class ends on a high note? That's how my instructor probably felt because everything she put out there I had recent experiences to compare (known as activating prior knowledge).
We discussed the affects of stress on the body and how meditation corrects the damages to your brain. After yoga she sent "active Reiki love" to the surgical room, staff and me for Thursday.  It was a very comforting gesture. She let me borrow a CD from the Cleveland Clinic with meditation imagery. Their research found that listening to this will decrease infection, decrease pain meds needed, and decrease the length of hospital stay.

On Tuesday morning I had the breast MRI. With my face resting in this oval brace, I made a game of it by humming along with the machine and counting the clicks. When I was finished and lifted myself up I saw light brown marks where my forehead was. I suddenly looked at the tech and asked, "Did I rubbed off my eyebrows?!" He checked and said they were still there. Note to self:  put a brow pencil in my purse!

That afternoon I went back in for Pre-surgery testing. As I approached the desk I recognized the girl but couldn't remember from where. She said she knew me too and we both thought for a moment. Then it all came back to me. She was in the waiting room with me the day I got my mammogram on November 1st. She had a minor accident on her way there and was flustered as she told me all about it. When I went in for my mammo I was asked to go back out and wait because I needed an ultrasound.  When she finished her mammo she got to change out of her ballgown and leave.
Pointing to my scarf:  "I look different. I had hair back then."
Pointing to her head of long brown hair: "Don't worry. It will grown back."
I was shocked! She was so young but is a breast cancer survivor. And so is her mom and two aunts. We chatted a few more minutes. After the pre-surgery testing I went back to give her a can of Love.

My surgeon called me this evening to check on me. She said the MRI showed that the tumor did shrink so she will take it out and let the pathologist take a look.  It seemed as if I was talking with an old friend the way we were laughing and carrying on.

There have been a few more Divine Appointments this week but my fingers hurt (neuropathy) so I will have to close. Thank you for sending me hugs and prayers as I go through surgery tomorrow.

I have been so blessed all my life and don't think there is anything I would change. Not even having breast cancer.

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Expressions

Last week at a doctors appointment I was having issues removing my shirt when my cap disappeared from my bald head. I grabbed it and sheepishly told the NP that I was having a bad hair day as I pulled it tight over my ears. When I slipped my shirt back on I asked Richard if I had accidentally rubbed my eyebrows off. He looked at me, tilted his head and asked if had drawn an expression on my face. I shrieked and pulled my cap down to the rim of my glasses. We were both cracking up as we left the office. As soon as I got in the car I looked in the mirror and sure enough my eyebrows were lopsided! I am not the artist in the family!

On Monday Doc told me to call my surgeon to start planning the next step. She said I will have surgery approximately 3 weeks after the final chemo which is April 11th. Tomorrow I will get the genetic test results and then will see my surgeon in the afternoon. I will find out when and decide what kind of surgery I will have.

I've been researching many different topics now that we are getting ready for the next phase. I want to be informed and to know the right questions to ask. I trust Doc and my surgeon. She is well known for getting "clear margins" and she was Carol's surgeon. I remember going to the consultation room with my brother in-law right after Carol's operation, shaking this surgeon's hand and thinking that she looked as young as my high school students. I never would have guessed that I would be her patient 16 months later.

 Everything happens for a reason!

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