Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Getting thru the Dark Days

It's just after 1:00am.  I'm sitting on the twin bed we set up in the spare room ... the one that I'm trying to find a fun, cool name for (Ladies Lounge still #1).   My big guy, Lucky, is purring next to me and Dee-Dee is lying on the floor peaceful.  I feel like I am coming out of my funk.  When I say "bad days", it really means "dark days".  Days when I can barely hold on to my sanity, my reason for existence.  Most folks in my life don't hear me speak like this.  Poor Matt has been subjected to the overflow of my tears and wailing of self pity.  It hasn't been easy for him I'm sure.

Chemo isn't easy.  I have no idea how radiation is going to be either.  In one of my tangents, I cried that if I get cancer again, I'm not doing this again.  Yes, I'm serious. I don't think I can do this again.

I finally shared some of this darkness with my sister today.  I find that telling it like it is  is honest.  I can't be the positive, happy-go-lucky spirit all the time.  That isn't honest.  This is some real hard crap to go through. 

I've not asked the question "why me?" Because I already know why.  2011 was a very difficult year for me and I hit a depression that I couldn't climb out of.  Many times I asked God to take me home.  And then I got the diagnosis that I have cancer.  Well, talk about calling your bluff.  He did. Was I really ready to give up on life?  The answer is NO.  Even when I go through my dark days, I know that as each day passes, the light at the end of the tunnel is brighter.  God has been revealing personal deep messages to me, along with blessings to show me why I'm on this earth and what He wants me to do.

My roller coaster ride definitely has its ups and downs, twists and turns. 

But that is life no matter what situations we are facing. 

I hang on tight to God's promises and I'm so thankful to be His child. As I live in the moment, I can hope for a bright future. I'm also thankful for the love and support from so many people in my life.  Words of encouragement that we give to one another can make all the difference in the world.


  1. Carol,

    I’m sorry for all the trials in your life right now (canser related and otherwise). Despite the turmoil you’re feeling inside you are holding up incredibly well and showing true strength and courage.

    Canser is not fun and chemo is even worse. Your treatment protocol sounds brutal. I sometimes breakdown just reading about it and can’t imagine what it must be like for you to be going through it all.

    I wish there was something I could do to make things easier for you. Remember that the low's you’re feeling now will eventually turn into high's.


  2. I'm sorry your days have been so dark lately. I remarked to Christie that had I been diagnosised with cancer, I would STILL be curled up in the fetal position. At times you may not feel very strong or brave, but we both think you are. If their is anything that either of us could do to protect you from this we would.

    We love you sis...

  3. See, its comments like this that help give me backbone. Somebody thinks I'm brave and holding up well. I can't let you down. And then when I see videos like Beads of Courage ... well, there you go, how can I quit when there are children with SO many more beads than I have.

    Yes, the lows do eventually turn into highs. One day at a time.

  4. Cancer is the "big bad thing" amongst life evils. Why do cancer victim bemoan "not being strong" and holding pity party? Why not? Who can remain consistently strong during the horrors of chemo and the inevitable fears and non-paranoid imaginings? Except possibly the youth of Sparta.

    People who don't have cancer are terrified of it (I am one of them), how much greater is the burden for those who ACTUALLY do. Moan, weep, scream. It is your pain and you can cry if you want to. If your love ones are damaged by the deluge of your tears, then create your own personal crying space and cry alone with your God. I do this when horrible things occur in my life - seek out a dark little zone behind lock door, away from the frightened questions of family, and give in to an orgy of tears. It helps.

    1. Vasi, you are right and I have given myself permission to handle it any way I wish....with no apologizies to anyone. And so far, those in my life have let me! Now Vasi, don't be so afraid that you are not paying attention to your body. IF you should ever have to walk through this, it is better to catch it early! Blessings to you, my friend.


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